Today and for the rest of my life

I’m posting here today because I think it’s the right place for me. OSF is too much about me when I’m better. This space is for me when I’m struggling.  There are so many issues popping up for me this week. Issues about my medications, my health in general and my mental health status. I feel drained with worry and flattened out by self-loathing and doubt. My body energy is at it’s lowest ebb and my mind is racing away with me. I don’t know how to even this out. Yoga yesterday was amazing. my body worked well and my meditation was a real break from the constant chatter in my head. But today I am back to square one, relying on cliche and chocolate.

Some part of me wants to be somewhere else and moving on. Then the nasty, spitty voice interjects with reminders about my constant need for safety and how where I am is best and no-one Will EVER take care of me again if I leave and the meds will ALWAYS be a part of my life that will split me off from other people. I am not normal. I am not normal. This sentence runs on and on in my head, underneath all the other stuff. Some days I can hear it very loudly and it crushes every last little bit of hope. Other days I know the absolute pure, distilled truth of the words and they make me proud. I am NOT normal. I am Unique. How scary is that?

~ by pippa71 on May 14, 2007.