Sad, but happy
I’m feeling so sorry for myself. Sobby and quiet and lonely. I am doubting my ability to finish my PhD, and if I don’t finish it I will have wasted so much time and effort. I feel like crawling into a hole. I am scanning my vision constantly, convinced that I am losing my sight. I am frightened of what might happen when I see the consultant. I don’t want to know my future.
But. My incredible, loving, sensitive yoga teacher gave me a gift last night before class. A stunning framed photograph of a crumbling statue of Buddha, taken in Burma. She bought it for me and thought that the time was right to give it to me. This made me incredibly emotional. And ineffably happy.
Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. When I’m depressed, I’m incapable of thinking realistically about the future. So I bet you finish your PhD, but even if you don’t, that might lead to a better path. I got kicked out of graduate school, and thought it was the end of everything-and like you-what about all the wasted time? But I’m much happier now.
I’m at risk for glaucoma, and I thought that treatments for it had really improved. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But I’m very glad you have that yoga teacher!
thanks pal. I feel good at the moment, see the update to follow! I promise to e-mail you ASAP…x