Tears Before Bedtime
Wow. Today I just started sobbing. Tears flowing, chest heaving, really feeling sorry for myself sobbing. It crept up on me and I feel better for it. My issues around money prompted the outburst. Feeling inadequate, not earning my own living, seeing a future that I don’t really like and knowing that I can do better but despairing that I ever will. All that just popped into my head and brought about the kind of heartsick wailing that I used to do often but haven’t done in a while. I am choosing to accept this new development as part of who I am becoming. I needed to cry out the feelings and move on. This financial dependence on another person is not the whole of who I am. It limits me, but does not define me.
Sometimes Twitchy 
Getting that out is so important. I think financial issues are so loaded for radical feminists, you know? It’s so important to be independent, but sometimes it’s just not possible (look at me). Plus, I think our need for independence can make us overlook that very few people are truly independent. Really, you’d have to not only support yourself, but grow your own food, make your own clothes, build your own house, etc. We really are supposed to be interdependent, and I don’t know how to reconcile that with my desire and need to be completely independent.
I ain’t building no house! 😉
Indeed. That conflict is something I need to work on, but I can’t seem to let go of the desire to be independent. I feel weak because I don’t have that earning power, or the wherewithal to contribute to my family’s income. But, crying about it and accepting my feelings about it seems to be working… I’m feeling released (somewhat!) It’s funny how accepting I am learning to become. x